Taking The FUN Out Of FUNeral

Last week Jeff's uncle Howard passed away, so needless to say we went to his hometown of Windsor, Ontario to attend the funeral.

I'll tell you here & now that I never had any intention of actually going to the funeral, the service, or the burial. Not because of myself, but rather I personally don't think a funeral is any place for a child. First off, the whole church part. Like Emma can sit still for any length of time at the best of times - the last thing I need is for her to be running up & down the aisles chucking bibles down pews. And here I was, quite concerned about having to explain our absense to Jeff's family...

Turns out I need not have worried.

We arrived at the funeral home for the wake on Wednesday evening. Got there promptly at 8:58 pm - wake was from 7:00-9:00 pm. Perfect timing. Even had the now-customary change-in-the-car-at-closest-gas-station at 8:56. (Didn't want to be wearing our 'good' clothes for the 5-hour-trek after all.) Sure enough the place was still jam-packed - Howard was a pretty popular guy - over 2,500 people showed in total.

Again, to be quite honest, I had no intention of taking Emma to the wake either. Had we not arrived so very late, had we had time to check in to the hotel ahead of time, it would not have happened. I have a 'thing' about children & dead bodies in the same room. But I'll save that for another blog... (Okay, maybe not. Briefly, I think an open casket should be an option. You should have the option to look if you so desire. My Zadie Mike, for instance, had an open casket behind a curtain. You had the CHOICE to go behind the curtain. I chose not to. And I do not regret that choice. Personally, I prefer to keep my memories of people cemented in times of good health, not once weakened by disease. And once Emma is old enough she can make her own choices, but for right now I am her mother, and having discussed this with her father, we agreed that she should not have to attend a viewing.)

But back to my story... So we went to the wake, and Emma & I hung out in the corridor while everyone paid their respects. By the time we got back to our hotel it was 11:30, obviously well well WELL past Emma's bedtime (and mine too!). So we all crammed into the queen-size bed (king rooms were all full), and tried to go to sleep. Have I mentioned that Emma is the worst bed-sharer EVER? First off, she sleeps horizontally, and my God, by the time the kid gets comfortable... OY! I think she finally fell asleep sometime around 1:00 am. A few hours later I woke up to a horrible wretching sound... one I haven't heard since first trimester. Sure enough, little E barfed all over the bed!

Never has there been a quicker way to get Jeff & I out of bed.

Tore the sheets off, and moved over to the pull-out couch. Thank God for the pull-out couch, as lumpy & bumpy as it was. Closed my eyes & next thing I know the phone is ringing with the wake-up call to get Jeff to the church on time.

Fast-forward a bit... Jeff runs out the door, tie flying in the wind behind him. He was a pall-bearer so it was one of those times that he couldn't be late, flash his apple-pie smile, deliver the charm that oozes out his rock-hard ass, and go about his business. He actually had to be on time.
No sooner was he out the door that Emma barfed all over me, her, and the room. Threw her in the tub, scrubbed the carpet with shampoo (hey, you use what you've got), and settled in for an afternoon of TV.

A couple pukes later and I figured we had to be done...

OH NO. Not so. Then it started coming out the other end. Full diarrhea style. Now at this point she's 15 months old.. I can deal with stinky goopey shit. Hardly a big deal. Hardly a big deal EXCEPT when you husband leaves with the truck that has all the wipes in it.

First weapon of choice was the complimentary shoe shine mit. FYI, don't even bother. Those are not absorbent in the slightest. Next, and I didn't want to do it, but several hotel washcloths had to be sacrificed.

Think of that next time you're washing your face over a romantic weekend retreat away.